I asked Kit to do something I never thought I’d ask him to do.
I asked the bloke if he’d take care of Tanner for me when I’m gone.

He agreed then asked me what this was all about. I filled the bloke in, on everything. How I wanted him to remove the collar from my neck, how Tanner needed to be kept safe, how I needed to get away from the violent-driven life I’d begun to lead. I needed an escape. Kit seemed more than happy to remove the collar from my neck, his only request was that he be allowed to study it before the Dames came looking for it. Of course I was fine with that condition. I just wanted the thing off. Plain and simple.

After Kit and I spoke, I dropped by Saki’s apartment. Before I have Kit remove the collar, I need to speak with Tanner and Saki; let them know that I won’t be leaving them completely. Maybe, if I can rid myself of this toxin, I can return. Eventually. Anyway, I arrived at the apartment and Saki was more than excited to see me. After all, we hadn’t really hung out since the hurricane. We weren’t able to talk for long though because some large, burly bloke came walking in after me. Archer, I think his name was. Apparently, he’s Saki’s new fuck-toy. Why can’t I have her luck with men?

So, I had to hang around outside her brownstone for an hour. Yeah, apparently that’s how long it takes two people to have rough sex that causes at least one member to pass out. And, by that, I mean that Archer was sleeping, in the buff, upstairs when I reentered. Yeah, that was almost enough to distract me from the depressing reason I had shown up on Saki’s door-step in the first place. Saki herded me toward the couch though, sat me down and immediately asked why I hadn’t contacted her recently and why I was acting so distant.

I admitted, out loud, for the first time what had happened between Tanner and I in the sewers. How I’d raped him, how he’d forgiven me, how I’d broken my promise to protect and watch over him. Of course, the sheila tried her best to comfort me. She told me she’d replace the phone she’d broken a few weeks back, how she’d take me as her own pet in the Dame Supremacy. Funny that she’d say that the same day I made plans to remove the collar associated with the Dames.

I told her that I’d break her heart. That I could anger her, piss her off. She didn’t believe me. I told her that I was going to die. She told me that she’d kill whoever was after me first. I told her that she couldn’t protect me, that just about anyone could kill me, that she could kill me. She told me that I was wrong.

I tried in so many words to tell her that I was going away, that I was leaving the Dames, that I was leaving The Pack, that I was leaving the life I had come to know in Midian City. I tried in so many ways to reassure her that I wasn’t, in fact, going to die; that I’d still be alive without actually saying it. But, it just seemed to upset her even more.

Eventually, Saki gave me a small wooden pan flute; telling me as she handed it over that it helped her to relax. That I needed it now more than she did. Saki seemed depressed, anxious and scared. I felt bad for even bringing the issue up to her. Maybe it would have been easier if I just stopped showing up completely. Maybe it would have been easier on her if I just disappeared.

But something wouldn’t let me. Why is it that I went to Saki’s brownstone before hunting down Tanner? Why is it that I went to Saki’s apartment in the first place? When did we become this close that I’m actually afraid of hurting her? When did Saki move through the titles of ‘mistress’ and ‘hag’ to ‘best friend’ and ‘sister’?

I played the small wooden instrument, the pan flute, for Saki as a way to help her relax. Hoping that the music would wash over her and bring her, at least some, peace. After the tune had finished, Saki curled up against me on the couch. I tried my best, one more time, to comfort her by telling her the story of the Greek God Pan; how he was believed to be dead when, in fact, he wasn’t. But it didn’t make much of a difference in her mood.

“You go. I go.”

Those were the sheila’s last words before falling asleep in my lap. Words that could only be uttered by a true friend, by a sister, by someone who truly cared. Maybe there’s another way out of this.

Maybe I really am safe with Saki.

I got a call from Tan.

He asked me to come to the park. He sounded scattered, frightened. I wasn’t sure what was happening to him but I knew it couldn’t be good. When I arrived, I found him naked. With a sheila. I didn’t know who she was or why the two were naked but I didn’t like it. She was acting violently toward Tan, trying to drag him off to the far entrance of the park. That’s when a bloke I’d never seen before stepped in, gun raised at the pair.

The sheila shouted at the bloke when she spotted the gun. She said that if he didn’t lower the weapon she’d tear Tanner apart. He wouldn’t lower it. I couldn’t see Tanner injured like this. Not by this sheila, not here, in front of me. So I tackled the bloke. I wrestled with him, trying to get the gun away but he fired at the pair anyway. He ended up hitting both the woman and Tanner. I wasn’t sure what to do, what to say. I yelled at the stranger. I know the bloke was only trying to help but he’d made matters worse. He’d injured my boyfriend. I couldn’t care one way or another about the blood-ridden woman, although the other man seemed almost obsessed with her. All I could think about was Tan’s safety.

Troppo, I know. After raping him, tormenting him, after having the undesirable urge to cause as much bodily harm to the bloke; I still cared about his safety. I carried him to the Midian City Medical Center. The doctors assured me that he would be taken care of. I promised Tan that I would check in on him.

That was two days ago.
I don’t think I can keep my promise.

Spending two full days with a group of people, without any contact from the outside world, is enough to make a bloke go troppo. That’s what I did this weekend. I spent two full days trapped inside the Den with the rest of the Pack while a hurricane kept up bound to the small upstairs loft. You think that’s stressful? You haven’t even heard the half of it.

The first night started with some light rain and a radio broadcast. We were all warned to spend the evening inside as a hurricane approached the city limits. Overall though, the night was uneventful and almost uplifting. The whole family sat upstairs in the loft, warming up under heavy blankets and eating steamed noodles. Some of the city’s ankle bitters had been brought inside to ensure their safety and everyone was talkative and content. We even played truth or dare with an old glass bottle. I learned a lot about the other members and even had a chance to share a little of my own past. For a moment, I actually thought being stuck in that small cavern might actually be fun.

Then, the next morning, things started to take a turn for the worse. One of the newer Pack members came into the Den acting acting vary odd. The sheila was irrational, jumpy, violent and dangerous. She seemed almost rabid. She attacked Kit in the main entrance and I pulled my gun on the two of them, demanding that they break the fight up. When they didn’t, I stormed into the medical bay and popped a few small pills; shifting into a state of ignorance as the fight died down and the sheila passed out. I’m not sure why I didn’t fire, why I didn’t stop them. Maybe it’s because I don’t even know how to fire a gun in the first place… or maybe I’m just that much of a rooting wuss.

Anyway, she was placed inside a small cage in the back of the Den until we could figure out what was wrong with her. In the meantime, the water-level on the shore was beginning to rise and was beginning to thrash against the outside of the den. Those of us inside figured it’d be best if we brought as many dry towels, clothing, food and medical supplies up to the loft in case the Den began to flood. Tensions began to fly though, and members began to bicker with one another. I even had to take a quick durry break down in the medical bay just to keep myself under control.

Things got even worse though when the water began to leek into the den. By the afternoon, the water levels had risen up the side of the Den’s southern wall and the floor of the cavern had begun to flood. With soaking wet boots and stressful attitudes all around, we began to make our way back up into the loft. We sat there, silently, trying our best to make casual conversation but we just couldn’t do it. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to do.

Within no time at all though, things began to pick up again. The water in the Den continued to rise and the sheila trapped in the cage had come to. She began to trash around in her confined space, her howls and growls filling the small cavern. Around this same point, Yewh entered the cavern soaked head to toe; and he was followed by a young human sheila who presented herself as a doctor. Granted, I wasn’t happy about the sheila being there but she volunteered to look the caged Pack member over.

But, even with the additional help, the situation only got worse. Kit attacked me in the middle of the loft. Apparently, he was attempting to get back at me for knocking him out a week back… or maybe he was trying to harm me for hurting Tanner. Whatever the reason, the bloke’s attack didn’t fall through. Even after everything I’d done to Tan, he stepped between Kit and I. He defended me. Kit withdrew when Tanner stepped in the way and the bloke fell unconscious. We tied him up, just to be sure that he didn’t have whatever disease was effecting the sheila downstairs.

When Kit finally came too, he seemed fine. He didn’t remember the attack or anything he’d said to me. He didn’t remember the insults he’d thrown or Tanner stepping between us. It was almost as if a totally different person had taken over his body. Tensions grew tighter though as the other Pack members persisted that I take a look at Kit. Yeah, right; like I’m going to look after some troppo bloke who wants me dead. Obviously, I refused. Let him go insane, what the root do I care?

I think the only god-send through the whole ordeal was Saki who showed up some-time just before midnight. I’m not sure if the sheila just dresses oddly or if she found the whole hurricane-thing funny, but she showed up in the ruins in a lime-green, frog-themed rain-coat; complete with matching umbrella. Yeah, not what most of Midian City’s citizens would wear during a freak hurricane. She was spotted on the monitors pretty quickly and rushed inside… where she proceeded to jump on my back and yell about how she brought me a back-pack filled with gay magazines. How am I honestly not surprised?

The best part of her appearance though wasn’t the ‘fag-mags’, though the guy on page six was really huge, but was instead her interaction with Kit… who currently has a crush on Jazon. Yeah, the same Jazon I wrote about some time back. Saki’s step-brother. No-tails? Yeah, that one. When Saki said that the guy on page six’s cock was probably airbrushed and that he was, in fact, probably as small as Jaz; Kit became infuriated and threatened to have her removed. But, of course, I suggested the two talk it out. After all, if Kit’s infatuation with Jaz keeps up; Saki might be walking Jaz down the aisle and marrying him off to Kit.

All-in-all though, the night ended with everyone still intact; although most of us were cranky with one another. We discovered that the caged sheila was in-fact infected with a strand of rabies that seemed to affect Hybrids the way a typical rabies infection affected small animals so, now, the motivation is on finding a cure. Kit and Tanner made it though the night without any harm from myself and the medical team might hate me now, but they’re still communicating with me.

As for Saki? Well, she told me that her and Jaz had… well, bumped uglies. I’ll be honest, I was shocked and a little hurt when she told me that. I mean, I shouldn’t have been. I’m with Tanner even if I’m no good for him. I told her that it was fine, that I didn’t think of her step-brother in that light anymore. Saki could tell that I still have feelings for him though. She called me out on it, she even said that Tanner was just my replacement for Jaz.

According to Saki, Tanner is my Diet Jaz. My not-quite-as-good replacement for the regular shit. I don’t know if she’s right, but I don’t have the time to find out. Eventually; Saki, Tan, Jaz and the rest of Midian City will just have their memories of me.

The Toby they all know and care about will be gone forever…

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been stealing a large number of pills from the medical cabinet. Fluffy found out. She called in both Amara and I, seeing as we’re the only other two members of The Pack with keys to the cabinet, and asked us why so much of the inventory was missing. Now, normally I can bull-shit my way out of these kind of things but Amara kept elbowing me and giving me that look that just screamed: I know it’s you, so just fess-up. Ratbag sheila.

So, I told Fluffy that I had been pilfering drugs. She demanded an explanation but I couldn’t tell the sheila why. At first, it was just for the occasional free-high but now, since my run-in with Tanner a week back, I’ve been stealing them for another reason. I want to disappear, convince my family and friends that I’ve died, release myself from the binds the Dames have put on me, separate myself from Tanner. It’ll all go much smoother if they believe that I’m dead. If they believe that I’m never coming back. Then, I could live my life on my own and I wouldn’t have to worry about harming the people I care about.

But then, why steal the drugs? Because if something does go wrong; if the Dames decide to hunt me down, if I get injured in the process, if Saki decides she’s going to try to keep me around by force then I’ll need some kind of medical supplies to fall back on.

But, I couldn’t tell all of this to Fluffy. So, I just told her that it was complicated, that I might be in danger and to leave it at that.

She let me keep the pills seeing as they were already cross-contaminated with others and were, in her mind, now useless. She even fulfilled my other request and gave me a bottle of bleach, something that might prove useful if this all falls through correctly. So, I bagged the pills and the bottle of bleach up, tied them to a rock and hid them in the sewer along with some clothing, my baseball bat, my knife and some additional medical supplies.

After all, if anyone is going to come after me; I want to be ready.

Last week I was sitting outside the entrance to the sewers, trying to answer my cell phone which had been ringing off the hook. Someone was calling about Tanner but, sadly, I couldn’t hold the call long enough to find out what was happening. Why? Because Saki was constantly pulling the phone out of my hands and turning it off! And I couldn’t even try to call the person back because Saki tried knocking the phone out of my hand, succeeded and it fell right into the water. The cell phone floated on the surface for a moment and I was able to scoop it out of the river before it sank too deep, but it was water-logged and no longer working.

I’ll admit, I was rooting pissed.

Anyway, last night I ran into Tanner. The bloke was upset because I hadn’t contacted him in a while; the lack of drugs in my system has had me in a state that I’d prefer he didn’t see me in, but the boy didn’t want to hear it. In fact, he was so distant with me and I became so enraged that my personality and Toxins began to mesh together. I grabbed ahold of Tan, knocked Kit upside the head when he tried to stop me, then I dragged the red-headed bloke down into the sewers. When we were safely tucked away below the city streets, Toxins came out in full. Together, we pinned Tanner up against the railing that ran along the Fight Pit, forced his pants down and raped him.

Even though I knew that Toxins was the one in control, I also knew that the incident wasn’t completely his doing. Tanner had made me upset, angered me to the point where I actually wanted to cause him harm. Yet another person that I cared about was treating me as if I didn’t exist, as if he’d forgotten about me completely. I wasn’t going to let him forget me. I’ll never let the bloke forget about me. After all, I let the wound on my left hand scar so that I could always carry a part of him around with me. He should do the same for me.

When Toxins finally let up, when he finally gave me control of my own mind again I was still inside the bloke… It was at that moment that I realized I couldn’t stay with Tanner. I realized that I wasn’t safe, that I still felt the desire to hurt him; to make him feel the pain that I was feeling. Even with Toxins gone I still wanted to cause him harm.

But I didn’t. I let him go.

But for how long? If this keeps up I’ll end up trying to kill the bloke within a month and I don’t want that to happen. Yes, I’m angry with him. Yes, I want him to at least act as if he’ll always remember me. Yes, I want him to feel the pain that I’m feeling; but I don’t want to kill him. But I want to hurt him… What am I saying? When did I start to think like this? When did I start to act like this?

I need to get away. I need to run.
I need to kill this thing inside me.

Before it kills everything around me.

Yesterday I walked in on Shiro with his pants down.
And some sheila was on her knees.

At least, that’s what I think was going on. I didn’t exactly walk in on them, but that’s what I heard was happening from Kit and Fluffy. He was in the medical bay when I entered, probably the one place in the Den I really wouldn’t want anyone having sex. It’s like my own little sanctuary in there. Needless to say, whatever they were doing, it stopped pretty quick when my voice echoed through the cavern. That’s right, I’m the bloke’s personal cock-block.

Okay, that made the situation sound a bit more amusing than it actually was. After the two had left, I spoke with Fluffy and Amara and we agreed that the Den needed to be cleaned. Not simply because Shiro’s man-juices were probably all over the medical bay, but also because the place hadn’t been cleaned in a rather long period of time. Who am I kidding? It’s because of Shiro’s man-juices.

So, the three of us set to work; clad in jumpsuits and gas masks. Amara worked on the medical bay, Fluffy worked on the loft while I worked on cleaning out the lockers, refrigerator and the surveillance system. On a quick, related side-note: The Pack is filled with some nasty-ass members. I found rotting sandwiches, moldy sushi, curdled milk, grunge-ridden clothes, but it was Fluffy who found the most interesting items in the Den.

Moldy hot-dogs.

I’m talking about green, hairy frankfurters… which she then proceeded to chuck at my head. Yeah, again, not as funny as it sounds. To make matters worse, after about the third green hot-dog Fluffy found, what she thought was, another green hot-dog. Come to find out, it was really a lime-green dildo. The sheila flipped when she finally figured out what it was then she threw it out of the loft; where it hit me square in the face.

I spent the next five minutes face-down in the Den’s fresh-water pool trying to clean, what were probably, Pack juices from my face. Again, not as funny as it sounds!

Why is it that every one of our members believes the Den is their own personal play-pen? It’s a home for Midian’s rejected, not a rooting brothel! That’s what the Peep Show is for! I swear, the next time I find a dildo tucked between a pair of sofa-cushions or hear about members pressed up against the medical cabinet buck-arse naked; I’m going to freak.

Withdrawal sucks, plain and simple.

Last night, I was wandering around the ruins looking for something, someone, anything that could give me the high I’ve been looking for. The free bags of synthnip that once lined Midian City’s streets are gone and, like a true connoisseur of drugs, I was suffering because of this. I was shaking, sweating and babbling incoherently when I stumbled upon Lily and a young white-haired sheila perched atop one of the ruined buildings outside The Pack’s den. They were talking and Lily was holding, what appeared to be, a needle. Come to find out, the needle was filled with heroine. She threw it away, tossed it into the river below; ruining any chance I had at getting the high I needed.

But, when the white-haired sheila sitting beside Lily produced a second syringe from inside her jacket, I began to calm down. She seemed to want to help me. Give me the charge I’d been in search of for the last couple of hours. Lily, on the other hand, had other ideas. She took the syringe from the sheila and proceeded to stick it down the front of her pants. Yeah, if there’s one thing Lily hasn’t learned about me yet; it’s that I’ll gladly dive into a woman’s lap if there’s a drug hidden inside. So, I did. Lily fought back. She screamed, elbowed me, punched me in the stomach until I was laying on my back; unable to move.

So, I simply laid there; listening to Lily as she yelled at the white-haired sheila, listening to Amara as she approached and was filled in on what had happened, listening to the young girl below as she was tormented by the pair for carrying heroine around in her pocket… as if she were still an ankle bitter. I couldn’t take it any more. Harsh words like weak, coward, slave; falling on my ears like claws against steel. It was almost as if the other two Pack members were directing their words at me as well as at the white-haired sheila. So, I forced myself up to my feet and confronted the two. The stranger had been punished enough and, neither Lily or Amara had any idea what kind of pain she was going through.

The same pain I was feeling.
Beaten. Confused. Lost.

We’re both bound to something we can’t get away from, no matter how hard we try.

As I was leaving the group, Amara told me that the sheila shouldn’t have any self-pride because she had been a prisoner of the Nashos. She’d been tortured, tormented and abused against her will. But, truth be told, that girl has more pride and self-respect than I’ve ever had. She didn’t choose to be someone else’s prisoner, she didn’t give up her dignity, she continued to fight. She managed to escape her captor, she managed to survive.

Life boils down to one thing, how we deal with pain. How we overcome our fears.

If the drugs help her laugh until her time comes, then let her laugh.

Yesterday was the reopening of the Pool Hall.

Daey was DJing the event, so she ordered that all of the boys who could attend, do so. She seemed upset with my recent absence but she didn’t punish me, she simply put both Malek and I to work; dancing for the patrons in time with her music.

The night was pretty uneventful, that is until a new boy showed up at the bar. He was wearing a collar, almost identical to the ones worn by Malek and I, and his eyes were covered by a large leather blindfold. Daey ordered me to dance with the boy, so I did so. He was cute, much more timid than Tanner, but still a little stubborn. I teased him a little, rocked his hips in time with mine, ran my finger down the front of his sweat covered chest. His name was Makoto; and the strip of leather that covered his eyes? Well, it turns out that the bloke is blind.

When Daey’s set had finished, she took off with Malek and ordered me to walk Makoto back to the Kitchen when we were done dancing. At the same time, Saki came walking through the front doors of the bar. As if that wasn’t enough to create an eventful arvo, the sheila managed to spot, what we both believed to be, a ghost standing at the bar.

There stood Fluffy. Plain as day.

Now, saying that both Saki and I were skeptical or shocked would be an understatement. Neither of us could believe what we saw. And the fact that the sheila looked like she was wearing next to nothing, made it even more hard to believe. She noticed us, called us over. It wasn’t until I got close enough to touch her and Saki got close enough to smell her that we were both convinced it was her. She was alive.

After Saki and I tackled Fluffy to the ground, the three of us went our separate ways. Fluffy seemed preoccupied with some bloke at the bar, Saki got to talking with some sheila outside the Pool Hall doors and I simply followed Daey’s orders; making sure Makoto made it back to the Kitchen safely. For a blind bloke, he’s really self-reliant. He insisted on walking back on his own and, when I finally got him back to the Kitchen, he insisted on wandering off again. Alone. I mean, I walked him back. I followed orders. I can’t follow the bloke around all day, right?

Saki and I reconnected outside the park’s main entrance. She was helping up some blue-haired bloke. Called him her best friend… but she asked me to play along with her, act like we were a couple. I did. I mean, I can act like your typical straight bloke if I try. Hell, I can act straight when I’m not even trying to. That’s probably why most people are shocked when they find out I’m gay.

We dragged him back to Saki’s brownstone or, rather, I carried him back to Saki’s brownstone. He ended up passing out before we could treat his wounds and Saki left him there. Laying on her floor. My guess is she was just happy that the bloke hadn’t caught of to the fact that the two of us weren’t a couple before he passed out.

We talked for a while before slipping off to bed. Saki wanted to know if I’d consider her a fag-hag. I told her ‘yes.’ What? A bloke can’t be honest? Gay men tend to be drawn to her and she tends to be drawn toward gay men. She didn’t like the term, said the word hag made her think of ugly old women. So, we started to come up with new names for the term. Gay-babe. Princess-fags-a-lot. But we finally settled on ‘wench-of-the-butt-pirates.’

From there the topic went from fun to a little odd. Saki wanted to know if the ‘wench-of-the-butt-pirates’ could sleep with the maties. Which led to Saki trying to convert me to the way of the heterosexual. Which steered the conversation right into awkward territory. Next thing you know, Saki’s inviting me to spend a night inside her and I’m telling her how I’d prefer it if cheese whiz was inside me…

Awkward? I told you so.

The conversation ended pretty abruptly at that point and the two of us slipped off to bed, leaving Saki’s friend laying unconscious on her apartment floor while Saki got a chance to sleep with her matie.

Arrrrr.

I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know why he was covered in blood.
I don’t know why I didn’t have the courage to see, for myself, if he was okay.

I found Tanner near the southern entrance to the park. I wasn’t sure at first if it was him but when I got close enough, he was unmistakable. He was covered in blood, from head to toe. It was on his clothes, on his hands; and he didn’t want me to come any closer to him. I didn’t know what to do. I just froze. I don’t know if it was out of fear, but the blood on Tanner’s clothes sparked something inside of me. Maybe it was the though of loosing him. Maybe it was the fear of learning that the bloke had done something he shouldn’t have. Maybe it was both.

I called Malek. I couldn’t think of anyone else to contact. The Dames would be upset and the family had enough problems on their hands between Shiro and Ayr’s disappearance. Luckily, Malek was able to get to the park before I could even hang up the phone. Somehow, he managed to get Tanner to stand, The bloke had refused to even move earlier when I’d tried to get him to stand, and, with Malek’s help, the pair made their way back toward the Kitchen.

I ran off ahead to grab supplies from the den. I left them in the basement below the Kitchen. I didn’t stick around. Malek seems competent enough. I’m sure he could fix the bloke up right ace. I just… I can’t look at Tanner right now.

Just thinking about him… And all that blood…

I don’t want to loose him.
Mentally or Physically

Yesterday… was not a good day.
You want to see me in a pissy mood? Well, this would be me in a pissy mood.

I was crossing the main bridge into the city ruins when I stumbled upon the same small ankle bitter I’d seen bleeding on the catwalks a few days back. She pretended to pull a gun on me and I pretended to die. Lily stumbled upon us, right as the ankle bitter jumped on top of me and, when I told the little sheila to get off of me; Lily advised me to be quiet and play along. Why?

Well, honestly, who’d expect a child to be carrying around an actual weapon. The girl pulled a real gun on me and open-fired. Luckily, she didn’t hit me but she did manage to scared the shit out of me. You know what, pissed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt after that.

I marched my way right back to the den. I figured, at best, I could at least try to calm myself down by swallowing a handful of assorted pills. Amara called me out on my pissy attitude and asked me what was wrong. When I told her about the ankle bitter with the weapon, she didn’t seem surprised. But she didn’t seem happy about it either, which surprised me.

I suggested a good boot in the arse or my bat upside the ankle bitter’s head, but Amara told me it wouldn’t work. Apparently, Shiro coddles the sheila and refuses to scold her. He’s even gone as far as scolding other Pack members for taking action against the ankle bitter’s behavior. Damn-near ridiculous if you ask me. The bitzner needs to get his own behavior in check before he starts scolding the rest of the relos.

If the bitzner’s not careful, he’s going to have a horde of pissed off Hybrids on his tail before we can even confirm that he was involved in Ayr’s disappearance.

Rootin’ ratbag-eating bitzner!